Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs
by Nomannic
Summary: A deep, blunt insight into the ANBU, and what they go through to be who they are. Slight KakashixOCxGenma.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ooh! I wrote this whole story in one sitting, in the space of eight hours. I know it's not the longest, prettiest thing you've ever seen, but too be honest I'm quite proud of myself. I enjoyed writing this, and I think I did a very good job. Although, it's still only 3am... 0.0 **

**Anyway, please, enjoy the story. But be warned, it's gonna get pretty blunt, and pretty freaky later on. **

**And the idea of the ANBU teams being packs is totally Dark Kitten's Dream idea – I stole it from her most amazing story called Beasts. You should go read it. It's so shiny!**

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter One**

After the mission, under the cover of dark, we silently slipped into Konoha, sneaking past the boarder patrol and to the building for returning chunin, jounin and ANBU. We entered through the back, where no one would see us. This was how it always was. So when we left, through the front door, no one would no the ANBU had even left, let alone who they were.

We entered the shower room, stripping out of our uniforms, hanging up our masks and weapons as we stepped into the hot, steaming water. It felt so good to have all that caked mud, filth, sweat and blood swirling down the drains, no longer on my body. When I first joined ANBU, being a girl and all, I had felt odd about showering together. Now it was normal. It wasn't sexual. It was comforting. Like a pack of wolves licking each others wounds clean, I felt hands help me rinse the caked blood out of my hair. It wasn't my blood. No, it was a little girls. She'd had a bomb strapped to her chest, and I'd had to slit her throat before she could kill me, and my family. She couldn't have been older than nine.

I sighed, feeling the thick liquid roll down my shoulders and onto the tiles. I turned around and hugged Kakashi, breathing in the smell of flesh. Many would find this awkward, but in our line of work, we were too far gone to care about such trivialities. It was all about survival, and I needed a hug. I needed to feel safe, I needed to feel someone tell me that it was okay. That what I did was okay.

That killing that little girl didn't make me a monster.

Kakashi knew, they all knew. We all knew. We all understood how this was. Life like this was totally different from the rest of the world. We were animals, fighting to protect the territory. That was all. We were tools.

But above all, we were not people. Being polite, being modest, being ethical, none of that mattered.

In the end, all that mattered was that the pack was safe.

And today, the pack came home safe. I had done good.

Once all the blood was washed away, and everyone was clean, all the sins washed down the drain, the water was turned off. We helped each other dry off, reveling in the touch of each other, breathing in the smell of skin and soap and simply luxuriating in the fact that we were all here, all together, all alive.

After that, though, we separated. We put on our clothes. Kakashi and Genma their jounin vests, me and Iruka in our chunin uniform.

We became people, on the outside. We put on our disguises and entered into the lives that were no longer ours, no longer who we are. Just who we pretended to be.

We picked up the paperwork for the mission reports, groaning and complaining and joking together about it, then planned to meet at the bar at 9. I kissed each of them on the cheek before we left, smiling and waving goodbye.

I was going to go home, and I was going to make muffins. Nothing like a two weeks on a horrific, painful mission to make you crave muffins.


	2. Chapter 2

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Two**

_A year before..._

The alarm clock beeped annoyingly at me, it's bright digital numbers glaring fluorescent doom into the back of my skull. I slammed my hand down on it, shutting it up, and considered sleeping in and skipping work.

I'd been part of ANBU all of a month now, and already my entire life had changed.

Unfortunately, that also meant I could never seem to get enough sleep any more. Phooey.

But I risked blowing my cover, because before this month, I had never missed a day of work. And I wasn't going to start now. Besides, if I didn't show up Iruka was going to show up in a few hours with some homemade chicken noodle soup to force feed me, thinking I'm dying of some horrible illness. That guy worried too much.

So I dragged my butt off the futon, and straight to the kitchen. I turned on the coffee maker, and dug out some fresh fruit from the fridge.

That was another thing that had changed. I drank coffee. Kakashi, or _Wolf_, I guess I should say, had introduced me too it on my first mission when I was nearly passing out from exhaustion. That liquid has become my lifesaver. I can't function without it now.

But not just trivial things had changed. My entire being had changed. Not on the outside, all though I certainly do have more scars, but who I fundamentally am. Before, I use to abide by the Bushido code like a virgin priest. It was who I was.

Now I wasn't so sure where to draw the line between right and wrong anymore.

I also had nothing to lose. No family, no close friends. No boyfriends. No children. Just lonely ol' me. But now, I had my team. And they meant everything to me. Because now, they were the only thing I had to hang onto. They were the only thing that kept me from falling into that deep dark pit in the back of my mind where all the violent, horrible thoughts are.

The coffee maker beeped, and I poured myself a cup. I prefer the first cup black – it wakes me up faster.

I put on the usual black pants, long sleeve shirt and chunin vest, except the shirt was black lace, and stretched up into a mask that covered my face. And instead of sandals, I wore black, light weight, but solid flat boots. I strapped my weapons pouch to my leg, balancing my peach and coffee in the other hand as I did so. I brushed my hair, a platinum blonde cropped down to a measly pixie cut so that it would stay out of the way, back with my hitai-ate. I set the food down so that I could knot it firmly in place. Then I strapped my katana to my back, and my wakizashi (a type of small sword, or large dagger if you will) to my belt.

And I was ready.

Sighing, I locked the door behind me before I went on my way. I'd spend some time tutoring the young ones at the academy on their genjutsu, then leave for my shift at the Intelligence Offices.


	3. Chapter 3

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Three**

After work, I was surprised to find Iruka waiting outside.

He smiled when he saw me, waving me over to where he stood on the bridge, looking down at the koi in the river. "Kazuko!"

When I finally arrived to stand next to him, he sighed wistfully. "Aren't they beautiful?"

I just shrugged. They were fish. And he sounded kind of like a girl saying that. But I turned and leaned over the bridge with him, looking down at them. And I really looked. So vibrant, so colorful. So peaceful. Fish didn't fight wars, didn't murder and torture each other, didn't rape and pillage. I sighed, smiling faintly beneath my mask. "You're right. They are." So full of life, so happy.

I wish I could enjoy life like that, live in the moment like that. "So how was work?" Iruka asked, attempting to start a conversation with me as we started walking. I didn't have anywhere to be, so it was nice to simply walk with him for a bit.

I shrugged. I wasn't really much into casual conversation.

"The children were terrible after you left," he said affectionately, smiling at me. Why was he always so goddamned cheerful? It's no fair. "How do you keep them in line like that?"

I smirked. "I give them candy right before I leave."

Iruka shot me a nasty glare and a scowl. "That is just cruel. So when it's my turn to teach them, they're all strung out on sugar!"

I shrugged, grinning to myself.

"So where have you been lately?" Iruka asked, not looking at me, so he didn't see me stiffen at the question. "You haven't been around as much lately. I miss grading papers with you – the work went by so much faster." He finished, turning to face me, looking concerned.

Crap. What did I tell him? ANBU did not prepare me for a worried Iruka! He could be relentless. Oh yeah, Iruka, I joined ANBU, so I stopped grading papers so I could go risk my life. Yeah. That would go over well. I quickly made up an excuse. "Extra training. Jounin exams are coming up."

Iruka nodded. "I don't know why you bother with those. I am very much content staying a teacher for the rest of my life."

I shrugged. I knew I wasn't going to pass the jounin exams. That way, I would never be suspected as an ANBU. Who would suspect a sweet little chunin academy teacher to be a secret assassin in her spare time? My point exactly.

Me and Iruka continued walking in contented silence until we reached the ramen shack where Iruka stayed to have dinner with Naruto, and I kept walking.

As I was on my way home to catch up on my laundry (that changed too – always off on ANBU missions, I seemed to never have time to do my laundry anymore) an ANBU dropped down in front of me, handing me a scroll. I recognized the mask as Genma, or _Hawk_ when he was in ANBU. I took the scroll, unrolling it, and nodded, silently telling him I would be there soon.

We had another mission.

I swallowed hard.

I had expected ANBU to be hard, but, needless to say it was exceeding my expectations.

When I first joined, I had been so naïve. I had no idea how very much I had to lose.


	4. Chapter 4

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Four**

I showed up at the offices where I showered down for the mission and got into my uniform, pulling the red and white tiger mask over my face.

I was the first female they had ever allowed into ANBU, I still remember standing in Tsunade-samma's office when she broke the news to me.

"_This is more important than it seems, though, Minori-san. You are to be the very first female ANBU. I need you to be an example."_

"_An example?" I'd asked, confused and still in shock at the promotion. "An example for what?"_

"_The council. They still think that it's too risky for a woman to be in ANBU. But I need you to understand, Minori-san, some of those reason are good. I need you to understand what you're getting into."_

"_Okay, then tell me. What are the risks?" I asked, figuring I already had a pretty good idea._

"_There are thing that can happen if you're captured – torture, and other thing. More severe than what a chunin risks. Or a jounin. And, there's no one who really moderates the ANBU. One of the councils largest fears is what your fellow team mates could do to you. Do you understand?"_

"_I know. I still want to do it. I have nothing to lose, right?" _

I met up with the other three, already suited up, in one of the conference rooms. The walls had been sound proofed for a reason. Kakashi, _Wolf_, walked up beside me when I entered the room.

"Hey there kitten," he teased, purring jokingly. "How's my tigress?"

"Eager to get to work," I replied monotonously, not even glancing at him.

I could hear the frown in his voice when he replied. "Aw, you're no fun." He then changed, his aura no longer playful, but authoritative. His entire personality changed in that instant, and we all came to attention. No more games.

This was life and death.

"We are to track down a team of Konoha jounin who have been reported missing, identify why they have not returned, and to eliminate any threats if need be."

Once again, I was shocked at how little detail we got. Our last mission had been quite similar. We were given a picture of a young man, and told to eliminate him. That was it. No explanation, no reason. Just orders. I'd thrown a fit – thinking it suspicious and wrong to have to kill a boy barely older than I am (I'm 17 thank you very much) with no explanation or fair trial or any of that. Kakashi, _Wolf_, had given me a cold look and calmly stated that age did not matter, that if he was a threat, we were to kill him. No questions asked. No matter if he was 60, or 6.

I'd promptly bit my tongue and silently fumed the rest of the mission.

This time, I was smarter. I didn't throw a fit. I didn't even protest. Just like the others, I silently nodded. I waited for further instruction.

Kakashi laid out a map on the table, Pointing to a red highlighter dot. "This is their last known coordinates, they were sighted buying supplies at a local vending store. _Hawk_," he said, referring to Genma, "You'll scout ahead the area, then signal us in. If they're dead, we destroy the bodies and _Dragon,_" he said, nodding to Nikatsu, our medic nin, "will report back to the Hokage while the rest of us track down the culprits. If they're alive, we'll escort them home. Any questions?" No one voiced any, so Kakashi put the map back in his backpack, and we left the compound, disappearing over the village wall and into the forest.


	5. Chapter 5

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Five**

In our own defense, I think we handled this mission well. We had no reason to assume that this was going to be anything more than some jounin who got caught up in the local tavern and needed a scolding and a firm escort home.

Of course, being ANBU, we should have known better.

The rest of the team hid out in the trees, while Kakashi sent out ninken and Genma to scout out the town and the surrounding forest. Kakashi, Nikatsu and I stayed put, alert for any sign of danger, but overall, just... waiting.

After two hours, we began to grow suspicious. The ninken dogs had returned back, reporting signs of a few deserted camp sites, but nothing more. Another hour later, we grew worried. Genma had not returned yet.

So we went looking for him, silently flitting through the trees, searching for signs of his chakra. Finally, we found it. A faint hint of his spicy, thick chakra a few meters ahead of us, in one of the abandoned camp sites. We came up close, careful, intending to see what Genma was doing in the clearing before we jumped in. Except, the attack came from behind us.

Suddenly, the forest was alive with the sounds of clashing metal, and harsh, guttural grunts.

Normally, when people imagine battle they imagine catchy banters back and forth, graceful, almost romantic fights, and lots of noise. But battle isn't like that. It's actually fairly quiet at first, and then gradually gets louder as the stakes go up. Kakashi radioed us orders to attack and detain if able, and then we were on our own. The only sounds were the occasional rustle of the trees, kunai slashing fabric or clinking against metal, and the occasional grunt of effort. There was no catchy banter, no attempt to negotiate, just hard, grueling battle. And it was not grateful, or romantic in the least. We'd been traveling three days, without showers, so I already smelled. The enemy had clearly been traveling longer, because the stench was strong enough to make my eyes water. There were six of them, while only three of us, so we were sorely outnumbered. Within minutes, I had grass stains and mud smeared all over my face, and my clothes were in tatters from a jutsu, when my two opponents had tried to crush me in a small wave of earth. Battle is also very dirty.

Normally, I could handle two against one. But these were no ordinary hoodlums – they were skilled shinobi.

So I drew my sword and launched a full frontal attack, acting like I was going to try and just chop straight down across one of the enemies heads. He fell for the bait, and as I jumped into the air, bringing my sword swinging down, he used his kunai to ward off the blow, and I kicked up. My boots were toed with a sharp blade, and I heard a horrid squelching noise as the blade on my boot dug up into his privates, across his pelvis and abdomen, and pulled back before it could lodge in his ribs. I kicked off his chest, flipping back to decapitate the man who had been coming at me from behind.

I breathed a heavy sigh, looking around to see my teammates were just finishing up as well. Then I looked back to the man I had practically cut in half. I walked closer. He hadn't really been a man yet. He couldn't have been older than twelve, actually, now that I looked at him. He still had a little baby fat on him. His skin was soft and pale, his face almost angelic as black curls framed his face. But my eyes traveled down to the damage I had done to him. His intestines had spilled out and ruptures, giving off a smell akin to a trash can that rolled in dog poop and then had sex with a skunk. His clothes had been cut clean in half, and the wind had blown them back. His stomach was bulging partially out of his abdomen, and his crotch was a bloody, jagged mess.

I tore my eyes away, feeling sick.

Battle was also very, very ugly.

Nikatsu walked up to me, looking very frustrated. "What?" I asked, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible. We could not afford for me to have a mental breakdown right now. We still needed to save Genma.

He pointed to my ribcage, and I looked down at what had offended him so, only to find a shuriken half-way lodged into my ribs. I rose an eyebrow. "No wonder I'm breathing funny. Can you take it out?"

Nikatsu, even with his mask on, I could tell was fuming. "You are so infuriating."

I shrugged. "It's not my fault I can't feel it. Blame my nervous system." I had a special condition, part of what made me such an amazing kunoichi at the same time that it hindered me, where my nervous system, in terms of pain, was dead. I could lose an entire leg and only notice until I tried to walk. Yeah. No joke.

Nikatsu just sighed, and yanked out the offending weapon, tossing it onto the forest floor. I turned my attention to Kakashi, who had disappeared, as Nikatsu treated my wound. I radioed him. "_Wolf_? Where'd you go? Find _Hawk_?"

"Yeah, he's unconscious. I'm untying him now."

"What happened to _Hawk_?" Nikatsu asked, looking up at me worriedly through the dragon mask. "I lost my radio in the fight," he added as explanation to why he couldn't hear Kakashi's reply.

"Kakashi says he's unconscious," I replied. "Is he injured?" I asked.

"Negative. I'm not sure why they didn't kill him, though."

"Maybe we got here just in time?" I said, always the positive one. "Any sight of the missing jounin?"

"None. We'll clear up the bodies and then continue tracking them down. I have a bad feeling about this."

"Should we report back to Konoha?" I asked, as Nikatsu finished patching me up. Kakashi walked back into the clearing just then, carrying an unconscious Genma slung over his shoulder. "Those shinobi were surprisingly well trained, despite not having hitai-ate. Rogues, you think?"

"No, I don't think so. They're too young. Probably a tribe. I'll teleport a scroll back to Konoha with our status, but we need to find those jounin."

"Yes, sir." I said, grinning beneath the mask and mock saluting him. Kakashi chuckled.

"So what do you say we get outa here, kitten?" He asked, slinging an arm over my shoulder.

"Sounds like a plan." I said, hugging his side to me, Nikatsu holding my hand.


	6. Chapter 6

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Six**

We set up camp a few hours later as the sun finally went down, lighting up the autumn forest in a blaze of golds and reds. Genma still hadn't woken up, all though as soon as we had gotten a safe distance from the site of the ambush, Nikatsu had checked him out and said he'd just been knocked out and was totally fine. "He's got a hard head – I'm sure he'll survive," were his actually words.

I set Genma down, it being my turn to carry him, leaning him up against a tree nearby us. We weren't risking setting a fire, worried there were more of those who had ambushed us still on our trail. My shoulder was stiff from carrying him so long, and I stretched it out, watching as Kakashi, sitting in a meditative state, was setting up the traps around the perimeter. He would be first to sit watch tonight.

Genma grumbled a little in his sleep, slumping onto the ground, but otherwise remained unconscious. I giggled a little, shaking my head at him, and took a seat on the ground beside Kakashi. Nikatsu passed out our rations. "We'll need to buy more food soon," he commented, "If we're going to be traveling for much longer."

I nodded, and bit into the onigiri greedily. It was cold, a little stale so the rice on the outside was hardening, but it was food and God help me it was delicious. I gave a slight moan of pleasure, and Kakashi chuckled.

"Enjoying your meal?" He teased.

I punched him in the shoulder playfully. "You have no idea, pervert."

Genma chose that moment to wake up, and the first thing he says is, "I get beat up and knocked out, but you guys eat without me?"

We apologized unapologetically, and offered him his own rice ball and some water. He took the water, then stuffed half of the onigiri in his mouth at once. My jaw dropped.

"I carried you half the freaking day, how are you that hungry?"

He shrugged, and I just knew he was smirking at me under that mask. "What can I say? Sleeping takes a lot out of a guy."

We all laughed, and scooted closer together. Tonight was going to be cold, if the wind right now was any hint.

After we had finished eating and put away all the supplies and the plan for tomorrow, me, Genma and Nikatsu snuggled up together, and I put my head on Kakashi's lap, even though he was sitting guard. Mindlessly, he ran his fingers through my hair. Nikatsu was snuggled up beside me on my left, and Genma had curled up around my stomach, head in the dip between me and Nikatsu. I wrapped an arm around Genma, rubbing circles in his back, and Nikatsu held my hand.

When I had first joined ANBU, I had found this strange, embarrassing even. But now I knew why they did it. Because in the end, we were all we had. And as I sat there, staring up at Kakashi's face as he stared into the tree scape, images of that little boy I had gutted and torn in half floating around in my mind, these boys were the only thing keeping me alive and sane right now. I held onto them for dear life, silently crying myself to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: It's one am in the morning as I write this, and I just went downstairs to get some juice. As I was down there, totally hyper and sleep-deprived, I found myself talking to the invisible ninjas in my dark living room. Apparently, ninjas don't like easymac. 0.o?**

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Seven**

One of the principle rules of ANBU is that even if it means letting a teammate die, or even killing your teammates yourself, the mission is always the top priority. Obviously, the Hokage still wants you to not just carelessly leave your team behind rotting in a ditch or butcher them all, but it's still not quite the same thing as putting your team first.

In this business, the team is the only thing that keeps the nightmares away, the voices in your head at bay. The only thing that watches your back in a battle, that you can trust with your life.

So to be able to let them die, or even kill them, is a hard concept to wrap your mind around.

We had finally tracked down the three jounin who had gone missing, and found they had been kidnapped by the same traveling tribe of assassins-for-hire who had ambushed us. They were attempting to torture information out of them when we infiltrated their base, trying to break them free.

I was partnered with Nikatsu, since he generally had to warn me about any life threatening injuries so I didn't accidentally kill myself or something, and our job was to get the jounin out while Kakashi and Genma cleared us a path and secured our escape. AKA, watched our asses.

We made it all the way to the room where they were being kept, and I guarded the door while Nikatsu got them out of their chains. All three of them were unconscious. Fuck.

As I fought off an older man, probably in his mid 30s with huge ears, who was wielding a particularly threatening pair of knives attached to his arms, out of the corner of my eye I saw Nikatsu break a smelling salt stick underneath the jounin's noses, and they jolted awake. How could they sleep through all this noise? Today, the battle was noisy and chaotic, tons of confused warriors yelling and running in circles. suddenly finding ninjas inside their supposedly secret hideout could come as a quite a shock to some people.

I finally managed to pin the man against the wall, pushing his arms against his throat, so that it slit open. The blood sprayed all over my clothes, mask and hair, and some dripped into my mouth. It was disgusting, but for some reason... it excited me.

I had started to change like that too lately. The thrill of the kill was something I was becoming too familiar with, and it scared me. I jerked away from the dead warrior, spitting the blood against the inside of my mask, and radioed Kakashi that we had the jounin. They were still lethargic from whatever drug had been given them, so the going was slow as we fought our way out of the building.

But I quickly realized we were going too slow. Nikatsu had already been stabbed in the leg by a kunai, making him limp slightly as we ran. The jounin were still half-asleep, and I was covered in small cuts, bruises, and had several broken ribs. At this rate, we weren't going to get out of here alive.

I tried radioing Kakashi, but all I met was static.

I was faced with the horrible realization that either I put Nikatsu on my back and ran out of here, leaving the slow, drugged jounin to their deaths, or one of us stayed behind to hold back the horde while the rest of us escaped.

Nikatsu had clearly come to the same realization, as he shouted out over the chaos to go ahead, that he would meet up with me. He gave me his trademark thumbs up and wink, and I swallowed hard. I knew that was a lie. Whoever stayed behind wasn't going to make it out.

I nodded, and started moving again, trying to get the jounin to move faster.

The mission comes first, I told myself repeatedly. But no matter how many times I thought it, it still didn't seem right. Nikatsu was my family. I couldn't just leave him too die!

But in the end, I had no choice. Kakashi and Genma met me at the door. We each pulled a jounin on our backs, and got away from the building as far as possible. We didn't have time to stay and wait for Nikatsu – the enemy shinobi were already hot on our tails.

And the mission always came first.

After three hours of running, we had finally managed to get safely away. And our precious cargo seemed to be a little more lucid, but were clearly not in good physical shape.

We stopped for a break, our breathing heavy and ragged. I signaled Kakashi that I was going to leave the clearing for a second, walked for a couple of minutes into the forest, kneeled down, pulled up my mask, and retched into the bushes.

I puked over and over till all that came out was blood and bile, and then I wiped my hand on my sleave, sitting back on my heels, staring out into the forest.

Nikatsu was dead.

And I had left him to die.

My chest clenched at the thought, and my stomach heaved. But there was nothing left to puke up. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I cursed myself for letting down my guard, reaching for a kunai when I recognized the smell of Kakashi. He knelt down behind me, and I relaxed into his arms, breathing a sigh of relief.

"It wasn't your fault." He said after a moment.

I closed my eyes tightly, tears rolling down my cheeks. "Yeah – yeah it was." I choked up. "I live by _Bushido_. I live by my _Meiyo_, my honor, and I left one of my family members out there to die. I left him to die!" I shouted, tears racing down my cheeks as a sob built up in my chest.

Kakashi hugged me against him, and I turned around in his arms, collapsing against him.

"We are shinobi, my tigress, not Samurai. The mission always comes first."

"It's not fair," I sobbed into his shoulder.

"I know," he said softly, rubbing circles in my back. He rocked me back and forth, silently, and let me cry it out. When I was done, he helped to my feet, and we set up camp like nothing had happened.

But I would never be the same after that.

My code had been broken, and I didn't know what was right anymore. I didn't know how to feel, how to act. I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I had a mission to finish.

So with a determined expression, I pulled my mask back on and distributed rations. That night I sat the first watch.


	8. Chapter 8

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Eight**

We returned home within four days, carting off the jounin to the hospital while we snuck off to the barracks where we stripped off our dirty, smelly, torn clothing, climbed under the hot, stinging water, and clung to each other.

I don't know how long we stood under that spray, just standing there hugging each other. But I had never felt so safe in my life. So loved.

In that moment, I didn't feel lost. I didn't worry about right or wrong, or what to do or say, or how I should feel. In that moment, I knew that the only things that mattered had their arms wrapped around my naked waist.

After the shower, we reported straight to the Hokage, and after that I went back to the hospital when a bloodstain suddenly appeared on my shirt. Kakashi had cursed out loud, shocking all of us.

I guess losing Nikatsu had got to him too.

"Are you telling me when we went to the hospital you didn't get a fucking checkup?" He snapped at me, Genma crossing his arms and giving me a stern look. Tsunade just looked annoyed.

I shrugged, sheepishly. "I forgot."

Tsunade sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Just take her to the hospital, Kakashi," she grumbled. "Your shouting is giving me a headache."

Kakashi then swooped me, giggling at him despite his annoyance, and teleported us to the hospital. Genma teleported there as well. While here before they had already had their wounds cleaned and bandaged. I was given an X-ray and a full exam, since being unable to feel pain, it can be hard to diagnose whether or not I have any injuries such as broken bones, internal bleeding, ruptured organs and the like. In the end, I only had a stab wound between two of my lower ribs, that had come close to, but didn't actually puncture, my lungs, and four cracked ribs. I would be fine. Sixteen stitches and I was out. Piece of cake.

Normally, after a mission, we'd go our separate ways, to go home and sleep or get drunk or have sex. But losing Nikatsu had hurt us, bad. So instead, tonight we stopped by the liqueur store, picked up some everclear, and went over to my apartment since I was the only one who actually kept real food in the cupboards.

I served up some frozen pizza, and we all piled up on the same bean bag in the living room, drinking the everclear while we ate. With a few shots of 190 proof alcohol, it wasn't long before we were drunk.

At the current moment, I was sitting on Kakashi's lap, Genma lounging about, stretched across my knees as he licked the sauce off another slice of pizza. Kakashi and me found that incredibly hilarious, and giggled as we watched his tongue drag up along the piece of pastry bred. He did it slower now, more sensually, now that he noticed we were watching. But he still had some sauce left on his lips so I thought it perfectly polite to help him out by licking it off.

Genma thought this very delightful, and, returning the favor, licked my lips. I shivered, and Kakashi's hands I now realized were moving up and down my slides, underneath my shirt. I smirked, kissing Genma full out now, but pulled away teasingly, nipping at his bottom lip. He gave off a guttural sound from deep inside his throat that sounded almost like a growl, and then he was straddling me on top of Kakashi, kissing my fiercely, hands all over my body. It was hot, my entire body burning at every touch and kiss, my mind totally lost in the moment.

Kakashi's touch was a shocking, sensual contrast, cold lips sent shock through my entire body as he kissed along the side of my neck, sucking and licking at the hollow on my collar bone.

What happened after that, I'm not completely sure. I remember rolling of the bean bag chair and onto the floor, and really, really good sex. And I remember laying down on the carpet afterwords, snuggled together in all our naked yumminess, and talking. I remember talking about Nikatsu, about how he used to get so irritated about me being so nonchalant about my injuries. I remember Kakashi talking about how he missed Nikatsu's cooking – the only shinobi he'd ever met who could cook, on a campfire no less! I remember kissing Genma's tears away, as he silently cried over the brother we had lost.


	9. Chapter 9

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Nine**

A week after Nikatsu died, we were sent on another mission, this time with Iruka. I had been so surprised to find out he was our new medic nin. He had been quite surprised, too, when he'd recognized my voice. The first thing he said when he realized it was, "So _that's_ why Kakashi always calls you Kitten."

I liked having him on the team, I guess because he's the closest thing that I've ever really had to a friend (outside of ANBU, of course). But it just didn't seem right.

They couldn't just replace Nikatsu like that. They just couldn't.

And I know Iruka felt it, too, because he kept his distance. He didn't talk to us, didn't touch us. We offered him no comfort, and he never asked for any.

And I felt awful for it. Because we were isolating him. And we were going to tear his heart to pieces. Because you can't survive what we do without the solace of your team.

We were going to kill him if we continued like this.

So I started including Iruka more, talking to him. Actively engaging him. And I think the others picked up on it too, because they started trying. And when we invited him over to my apartment for pizza and beer, the grateful, relieved look on his face was worth opening our hearts too him.

And so we welcomed Iruka into the pack.


	10. Chapter 10

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Ten**

After a long, grueling month-long mission, I relaxed into the bathtub for the first time, letting the heat soak off all the layers of filth and grim, unknotting my muscles as I relaxed for the first time in a very long time.

But even now, I wore my mask. The ANBU mask was pulled down over my face as I bathed, because I just couldn't seem to take it off.

It had become such a part of me now, I felt naked without it. Like the face underneath it had become the mask, and now this was who I was. This was my face.


	11. Chapter 11

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Eleven**

There are two types of people in ANBU – those who know why they're fighting, and those who don't.

The ones who are there for a reason – usually because they're protecting something – they live. They go home, take off the mask when the mission is over, and the reason that they cling to so desperately allows them to survive, to cope, with what being an ANBU means.

Those who don't know why they're fighting, they die. All of them, one way or another, be it their minds or their bodies, they die. It's too much for them – they can't handle it.

After all, if you're going to willingly sacrifice your life, you want to know why, right?

Some of them may get out quick enough. Escape with their health and their sanity, but even then – they're never the same.

When I joined ANBU, it was because I had nothing to lose but my life. Now, though, I have my team.

Now I have a reason to fight.

I just hope it's not too late.


	12. Chapter 12

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Twelve**

Eight months after Nikatsu died, we were sent on an S-rank mission. An organization called Akatsuki had kidnapped a feudal lords daughter, holding her for ransom for supplies, and our help had been requested.

Again, we made the fatal mistake of underestimating our enemy. We had grown accustomed to only dealing with one team of the Akatsuki Organization, so when we raided the base where we thought the girl was being kept, we weren't prepared to face the entire organization.

My whole team – me, Kakashi, Genma, Iruka – was captured. Everyone else, the team of jounin and two squads of chunin who were backing us up, they all died. The Akatsuki didn't need them.

So that's how I found myself chained standing up by my wrists, in a small, stone room that had been carved out of a mountain. Kakashi was in here with me, so was Iruka. But they had taken Genma out a few minutes ago. After they had removed our masks, compromising our entire team, they had made sure that at absolutely no time would we ever be able to kill ourselves. Because in these situations, that's what we were taught to do. Our team, and through it, all of Konoha had now been compromised.

I closed my eyes, forcing myself not to cry. I was scared. Not for myself, but for my team. I'd only just regained consciousness since the initial capture, and I had no idea what they wanted from us, and what they were going to do.

Kakashi turned his face up to me, frowning slightly. "I don't know if they went over this in torture resistance training, but whatever you do, Kazuko, don't let them know you're a girl." I nodded, looking at him despair.

"What now, Kakashi? What do we do know?"

"We stay alive."

We didn't talk after that, because Iruka woke up then. When he realized what had happened to us, a panicked look crossed his face. Sometimes I forgot, that out of all of us, only he and Kakashi really had something back at Konoha to protect. And now the objects of their protection had been put in danger by our capture.

Kakashi seemed to sense Iruka's apprehension. "We'll get out, Iruka. And they won't hurt Konoha. I swear."

Iruka nodded, taking deep breaths. He tugged at his wrists slightly. They were red and chaffed from hanging from the chains. "I always hate being chained standing up," he grumbled.

"Is there a preferred way you would like to be chained up?" Kakashi teased. Iruka, getting the double meaning, blushed bright red.

"Pervert," he grumbled, turning his face away.

Me and Kakashi both laughed at that, and then we all fell back into thoughtful, frightened silence.


	13. Chapter 13

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Thirteen**

After they brought Genma back, unconscious, pale, with shallow breathing, they took me out. At first, I'd intended to put up a fight, wriggle, squirm, shriek, the whole deal, since I couldn't escape at the moment. They happened to be transporting me with both my feet, my upper arms, and my wrists chained. But the one who was transporting me, a red haired man we recognized as Sasori, must of seen the look in my eye because he glared at me and calmly said, "If you so much as blink at me, I will skin you alive. And you will not die. Not until I've gotten what I need from you."

I shivered, nodding my confirmation. So I didn't struggle, just let him carry me over his shoulder through the endless, dark stone halls. I resisted the urge to recommend an interior decorator. I don't think he'd take too kindly too that.

After about ten minutes of silence, with the exception of his light footsteps scraping against the rock, we reached a room with large wooden doors. He pushed one open, and dropped me in the center of the room onto the floor. I wondered mildly if that had torn my stitches – Since I couldn't feel it, I couldn't really tell.

After he dropped me on the ground, Sasori left the room. I was left with the infamous Itachi Uchiha, of course.

But if they planned to torture me, I wondered how they would react after they discovered I couldn't actually feel pain. This should prove interesting.

But if they were going to use jutsu, then I'd have a problem. Thinking carefully, I called back on my training with Ibiki.

The trick was to talk, to keep talking, to ramble, about anything but what they want you to say. But even in genjutsu, I can't feel pain, so I should be safe. Unless they try to scare the information out of me. They did seem particularly scary. It might even work for them.

So once I had a plan, I looked up to Itachi Uchiha, frowned, and said, "My butt is getting cold, so can we get on with this?" He didn't respond, just gave me a blank look. Wow. Isn't he expressive.

Then, I realized my mistake. I saw a flicker of recognition in his eyes when heard my voice, thinking over it. You see, I have a particularly girly voice. Crap. There goes plan A. I don't have a plan B for this.

You see, most of the time when you hear stories about shinobi getting captured and interrogated, unless you're hearing it from the intelligence center, you don't really hear much about the rape. Not just the girls, but the guys usually have better luck since a surprising amount of shinobi and other would-be capturerers are straight.

Here's hoping Itachi Uchiha is so shrivvelled up down there that method of torture hasn't even occurred to him. I've gone through my training, so I know I'll survive, but... training is so much different than the real thing. And I really don't want to find out if I can't still keep my mouth shut while getting gang-raped.

Yep. This is why they don't let girls in the ANBU.

Fuck.

Itachi stepped forward then, cutting off the rest of my poor attempt at coming up with an escape plan, and lifted my chin with his fingers so that I looked into his eyes. And then suddenly I was strapped down to a table, the board tilted so that I was suspended vertically. He drew a blade, and I resisted the urge to smile.

"I am going to cut you, rape you, drown you, burn you and use other such means until you have told me the names of everyone among the ANBU in Konoha. Or you can just tell me now, and I will let you and your team go." I was almost tempted by that, but I knew it wasn't true. Once they got what they needed, they'd kill us. I just hoped he hadn't noticed my hesitation before I spat at his face.

"Like hell." I grit out, glaring daggers at him.

He gave a small, peaceful smile. "I was hoping you were going to say that," he said, and then began.

I decided it best for me that I pretend the cutting hurt, so he didn't move on to the drowning, and the raping (both of which could actually affect me), but I think after about two hours of pretending to jerk in pain and wiggle as he slowly dragged a sharp kunai through my skin, my acting skills started to wane, and he realized it was having no affect.

Thank God he moved on to burning next. I wasn't looking forward to the scars, but at the same time, I'd rather not his torture be successful.

So after another two hours of pretending to scream and shriek and writhe until my voice cracked and went hoarse, he decided he'd try something else.

So he unstrapped me from the table, and despite not being able to feel the pain, my body was slightly weak, so he was able to kick me to the ground. Again, I faked a grunt of pain. Better they not find out my dirty little secret.

But when he moved to straddle me, I realized his intentions. But he caught me, it being his genjutsu and all, and he pinned me to the ground, holding my wrists above my head, on of his knees between my legs, and he tore off my clothes. This time, I held back the whimper. This time, I struggled. I writhed, I kicked, I even managed to bite down on his arm and hang on. He cursed softly, and then slapped me, hard.

But of course that didn't hurt, so I just bit him again. So he pulled my hair, pinning my head down, yanked off my underwear, and proceeded to rape me.

And this time my screams were real.

A/N: Normally, I'm quite the Itachi fan girl. But this chapter definitely puts me off. Sorry fellow fan girls! Please don't throw muffins at me!


	14. Chapter 14

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Fourteen**

Itachi escorted me back to the prison cell himself, lucky me. By then I was a shaking, bloody mess that had actually vomited on herself because the genjutsu scared her that much. So I smelled too. Itachi tossed me to the ground in the cell, slamming the door shut behind him. Bastard didn't even bother to tie me up again.

I must have been gone for a while, though, because the slamming of the door had woken up the others. They had fallen asleep. I crawled on the floor, my body exhausted and trembling so hard I couldn't get myself to stand, so that my head was in Kakashi's lap. Apparently, the others had been unchained as well. Perhaps they no longer considered us a threat.

He ran his hands through my hair, and I almost flinched away. And then I started crying. I couldn't hold them back. And if the blood on the inside of my thighs wasn't enough confirmation for them, they realized what had happened when I started crying. I hadn't cried since Nikatsu had died.

"Oh, Kazuko," he whispered, kissing my forehead. "I'm so sorry."

Iruka and Genma moved closer, and we all laid down on the floor in a big puppy pile, huddling together for warmth and comfort. And they comforted me in what ways they could, and they made me feel safe again. At that, I drifted slowly to sleep. Sleep would heal me, I hoped. Does your mind heal when it sleeps, too?


	15. Chapter 15

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Fifteen**

We spent another two weeks like that, being tortured along regular intervals, fed only the bare minimum, and barely aloud to sleep. But no matter what, we never gave up our information.

And then our chance came.

Kisame, the fish guy, was returning Kakashi from going to the bathroom, and they hadn't chained us back up for several days now, when the door jammed. And lucky us, Kisame had clearly not gotten enough sleep lately, or he was very drunk, because he didn't notice that the lock didn't click.

We all held our breaths in anticipation, and after about ten minutes, when we could no longer hear footsteps, or sense the chakra of anyone else, we quietly crept out. Thank god the door didn't creak.

It didn't take us long to figure out a way out, because there was a window in a hallway we passed after five minutes of wandering, to which we promptly, and quite ungracefully, crawled out of, and then we sprinted straight for the forest on the edge of the clearing the mountain was in.

And they didn't notice we were gone for a whole eight hours, until the next torture. These guys were like clockwork.

And that was long enough for us to run into a jounin team from Konoha, and discover they had moved us to a different base when they had captured us, and that we were only a days travel away from home. We practically cheered with delight.

And we all made it home alive.


	16. Chapter 16

**Top Secret: ANBU Mission Logs**

**Chapter Sixteen**

After the mission, under the cover of dark, we silently slipped into Konoha, sneaking past the boarder patrol and to the building for returning chunin, jounin and ANBU. We entered through the back, where no one would see us. This was how it always was. So when we left, through the front door, no one would no the ANBU had even left, let alone who they were.

We entered the shower room, stripping out of our uniforms, hanging up our masks and weapons as we stepped into the hot, steaming water. It felt so good to have all that caked mud, filth, sweat and blood swirling down the drains, no longer on my body. When I first joined ANBU, being a girl and all, I had felt odd about showering together. Now it was normal. It wasn't sexual. It was comforting. Like a pack of wolves licking each others wounds clean, I felt hands help me rinse the caked blood out of my hair. It wasn't my blood. No, it was a little girls. She'd had a bomb strapped to her chest, and I'd had to slit her throat before she could kill me, and my family. She couldn't have been older than nine.

I sighed, feeling the thick liquid roll down my shoulders and onto the tiles. I turned around and hugged Kakashi, breathing in the smell of flesh. Many would find this awkward, but in our line of work, we were too far gone to care about such trivialities. It was all about survival, and I needed a hug. I needed to feel safe, I needed to feel someone tell me that it was okay. That what I did was okay.

That killing that little girl didn't make me a monster.

Kakashi knew, they all knew. We all knew. We all understood how this was. Life like this was totally different from the rest of the world. We were animals, fighting to protect the territory. That was all. We were tools.

But above all, we were not people. Being polite, being modest, being ethical, none of that mattered.

In the end, all that mattered was that the pack was safe.

And today, the pack came home safe. I had done good.

Once all the blood was washed away, and everyone was clean, all the sins washed down the drain, the water was turned off. We helped each other dry off, reveling in the touch of each other, breathing in the smell of skin and soap and simply luxuriating in the fact that we were all here, all together, all alive.

After that, though, we separated. We put on our clothes. Kakashi and Genma their jounin vests, me and Iruka in our chunin uniform.

We became people, on the outside. We put on our disguises and entered into the lives that were no longer ours, no longer who we are. Just who we pretended to be.

We picked up the paperwork for the mission reports, groaning and complaining and joking together about it, then planned to meet at the bar at 9. I kissed each of them on the cheek before we left, smiling and waving goodbye.

I was going to go home, and I was going to make muffins. Nothing like a two weeks on a horrific, painful mission to make you crave muffins.


End file.
